I really miss my husband, even though he is in the same house with me, 24/7. What I want for Christmas is a simpler life with fewer toys and more togetherness.
J is a superior employee and a damned good engineer and the large tech company he works for knows it. Because of this, he is the lead engineer on two major accounts and supports eight other clients. When other people that he works with are out on vacation or sick, he steps in and supports their customers too. There are a lot of things he steps in and does that he never takes credit for. But, a lot of people have been laid off in his company due to the recession and J wasn’t one of them. So I know that they value his work. The problem is, they value it a little too much.
Because J works for clients who are all around the globe, he is on call 24/7/365. Europe and India don’t understand when it is the middle of the night here. They just know they need an engineer to fix something. So his phone goes off a lot in the middle of the night.
And even when he works all night, they still expect him to be at his desk first thing in the morning working. There are conference call meetings all day. He fights to find the time to take a lunch break and go for a walk with the dog. He eats at his desk. He has trouble getting his assigned work done because other problems come up. Every time he walks away from his desk, his phone rings with another problem. And, of course, he’s stressed out, exhausted, and irritable. I don’t blame him. I would have snapped years ago.
Apparently, J’s employer thinks he’s a robot. Which can be really hard when you are trying to have a relationship and some family time.
We are incredibly grateful that J has a job when so many people don’t. Extremely grateful. But it’s such a tradeoff. Because J is so exhausted and burnt out that it seems like he’s not enjoying life at all. I can’t remember the last time he seemed to enjoy anything or relax. Well, I did get him to show me how to play Angry Birds on my Kindle Fire and he ended up playing it for awhile. It’s the first time I’ve seen him smile in months. Go Angry Birds!
I have become the person who takes care of scheduling home repairs, meal planning and preparation, paying the bills, overseeing kids’ activities and homework, scheduling medical appointments, doing the holiday shopping for everyone on our list, doing all of the laundry, disciplining the kids, basically everything that used to be shared between us. I don’t mind being in charge of the house, but the truth is, I miss having a partner in my life. I’ve got the wedding ring, but am wondering where the marriage part is. And it makes me so sad that I don’t get to share any time with the man I married, who I really like a lot and enjoy doing stuff with.
Some days, I wish we could go back to the days before we had children and a mortgage, when he was a bartender three nights a week and I was a word processor at night and we would drive to work in the same vehicle. I would drop him off at the bar and go over to my job until 11:00 and then drive back over to the bar to pick him up, which often meant me sitting in the bar for two hours, chatting with my husband while he poured and mixed drinks. Then we would go to breakfast at Denny’s before driving home to our little $500 a month hole of an apartment and sleeping until noon. We spent a lot more time together, back when we didn’t work at the same place. Now, even though we are both here in the house, he’s either working or exhausted from working.
I really miss that little hole of an apartment and the fact that we didn’t have much money. Because we were pretty happy back then. It’s true what they say. Money can’t buy happiness and I long for a simpler life for and with my husband. Because he has so earned it.
I have a lot of dreams of just walking away from this life with nothing but my husband and kids and moving to a farm in the Virginia countryside or at the beach in the Outer Banks, working jobs that don’t pay much but allow us to keep a roof over our heads and spend time together as a family. I’d love to chuck all of the technology, no matter how much I love it (and my kids are addicted to it), and sit down to watch a movie together or play a board game. Or go for a walk in the woods or on the beach. Or to just have a conversation without a kid saying, “Fine.” You know, more than one word answers. I want to be a part of my husband’s and kids’ lives.
When I signed up to have a family, I didn’t sign up to have five people in five different rooms with no idea what is going on in their worlds. I take a lot of the blame for this for not insisting that there be no technology in the kids’ bedrooms, but some of that has been necessitated by J’s job and his working from home. He can’t be distracted by the sound of kids because he needs to concentrate to pay the mortgage. But isn’t the sound of kids in the house what makes a family fun?
This morning, J noticed that our youngest son had made a forehead and hand print on the dining room window while waiting for the bus. I thought to myself, “What is a house without fingerprints on the windows?” To me, that’s what makes it a home. I’ll take more fingerprints and less silence any day of the week.
So, Santa, all I want for Christmas is some family time. And a dinner out with my husband would be awesome.
About Chelle
Great post, Chelle.
It’s true: if it’s honest, then the particular is the most universal.
Keep writing.
Thank you, Scott. I appreciate your encouragement!
So sweet. You know the important things in life and I hope this holiday season you find some of what you really want!
Thanks, Kriss.
He recently saw a doctor and I think she scared him a little bit when she walked into the room and said “What’s wrong with you???” He’s obviously on the edge. Things have been better since I wrote this post and he is trying harder not to let work intrude into every single aspect of our lives. I’m so glad, because we don’t live forever and you only get one chance to do it right.
Chelle, I have been trying for years (in vain) to get hubby to participate in our family more. Once in a while he totally surprises me, but for the most part, I’m in the den with either one or both boys, and he’s in the kitchen. He has no idea all of the stuff he misses out on. I think part of it is because Kyle is so little and really isn’t much fun for him most of the time. I did notice that once Connor got to where he could walk and then talk that hubby got more involved. I just got our family a Wii in the hopes that we can all play together…
Hang in there hun, things will get better!
Cheryl recently posted..I can’t believe I passed this up the first time!
Cheryl,
I knew when I married him that he wasn’t much of a big do things with the kids type of guy. He has a son from a previous marriage and I got to get a good look at what kind of parent he would be. He’s a wonderful father, but playing outside with the boys or doing things with them just never occurs to him. He spent a lot more time with them doing the hands on things when they were little. Now, everyone just goes their separate ways and it’s very lonely. It’s hard for me to believe that I have three children and a husband, because I feel a lot like I live alone most of the time.
I think that if he ever is able to retire, we will get back to what we had, but better. It’s getting through this awful time where he is grieving for his dad and working so hard to pay our bills that is hard. I look forward to when he stops work for the day (this doesn’t always happen, but sometimes) and he will make dinner (he loves to cook) and then sit in the family room with me at night. We don’t get to talk much, but he still makes me laugh.
Not sure what I’m trying to say here…guess it’s just that it’s hard right now! Thanks.
The up side for you in all of this is that you get to SEE your husbands face, even if it’s in passing or half conversations:) I know it doesn’t help much though. We talk about selling everything, getting an RV and driving to Montana…there has to be some land out there! I love my kids but would take a week in our appt in an old Victorian house just to do nothing but hang w/ my husband! Sometimes we want the life we had before we had everything we ever wanted in life:) Hope you get your dinner soon!!
Thanks, Peggy. You are absolutely right. When we talk about him getting another, less stressful job, we always come back to the fact that he wouldn’t ever be home. We live so far away from the places he really could work that he would spend a good part of his day commuting, so he still wouldn’t be around. At least now, he’s physically here.
I have thought about just getting rid of everything, downsizing to a small rental house and walking away from the two mortgages, and having him do something he really enjoys. I have told him if he ever decides to do that, I will support him 100%.
I think right now, he’s working so much because he doesn’t want to think about his dad passing away. It’s a defense mechanism, I’m sure. I feel awful that this is how he’s coping, but I think maybe the acute part of the grief is starting to pass and that his doctor has scared him into backing off a little bit.
Hope you get to Montana. And that you are able to do nothing but hang out!
Oh, Chelle, I can’t imagine living that way. After all we’ve been through, I know I couldn’t make it through the day without my husband as my constant support system. And I have to admit, it has been even more amazing since we cut off the Internet (except for our phones) and our television broke. His days off we play with our daughter all day except naptime, when we just talk or snuggle. We don’t have a lot, but we have more than some, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
April Cross recently posted..An Update for the Bad News
Hi April,
How have you managed to keep blogging with no internet? I need to run over to your blog and find out!
We have the television on a lot, but don’t really pay a lot of attention to it. The one thing we still do together is to watch movies and right now, it’s the Christmas ones. Last night we watched the 1951 version of A Christmas Carol on AMC and really enjoyed it.
It’s the small things, isn’t it? I would give up everything if I could just have him back the way he was when we first met. I’m sure he feels the same way about me. It’s insane how much things can change when responsibilities start weighing you down.
It’s all on my iPhone, Chelle, I’ll probably be legally blind in a matter of months.
It is definitely easier now that our house is paid off. We’ve just pared everything down to focus on the things that are important to us.
April Cross recently posted..Time Warp Tuesday: Blogging
Wow, April! You paid your house off? I didn’t even know that was possible!
It sounds like you really have your priorities straight. I wish you lots of family time and happiness with your husband and daughter. You are the family I wish we were! Merry Christmas.
Chelle recently posted..When Is It Too Much Already?
All I can say is I know how you feel — my husband travels during the week and then when he’s on on the weekend he sometimes has to work. It’s tough but he does a good job of trying not to let it cut into family time…as for me and my laptop…I think I’m a bigger offender there. I hope you get some time together as a family soon!
Teri recently posted..Holiday gift advice for the nerds in your life.
Hi Teri,
Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we hadn’t gotten Facebook and the internet? I can’t even remember what that was like! I too am probably a worse offender as far as being online when I am not “working” (can you call being an unpaid, unpublished writer working?) and he has suggested on many occasions that I am addicted to Facebook. I have no doubt he is right because when I don’t get on it, I actually feel relief!
I am hoping for just a dinner out if I can ever start feeling better and he can get a break. Maybe Santa is listening!
It sounds like you have a good husband who works hard for the family and needs a vacation. I hope you get your wishes granted, too. This brought tears to my eyes. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Thanks, Amberr and Merry Christmas to you too.
We’ve had a rough year. I can only hope that 2012 will be better.
Chelle recently posted..When Is It Too Much Already?